postcards from italy

It has officially been one month since we've moved to New York and I must say, it certainly doesn't feel like it. Some days it's as if we've been here forever. For example, when you're riding on the subway in major traffic at 9:30 in the morning and all you want is to not be touching several people or overhearing very loud music through everyone's headphones at once. Although, some days it feels like we just got here. For example, when you're wandering around Bowery lost and alone in the cold, without anywhere to go or anyone to see. You could wander and wander forever. Right now, I have the feeling we just got here.

I've been looking into other internships - most at literary agencies. I've been hoping to change internships for awhile. When I moved here and began working at HERE, I realized that it's not what I'm cut out for. So I figured why not give literature a go. I've only emailed one place thus far because everywhere else is looking for summer interns, which I'm just not capable of doing. Reasons why I can't intern over the summer: 1. too poor, 2. going to New Zealand, therefore making me more poor, 3. very very poor. New York City is ridiculously expensive. And by that, I mean every object of food costs 3 dollars more than it should. Which adds up and pisses me off.

I also looked into apartments, and let me tell you, the experience was mindblowing. The majority of apartments (the cheap ones in Brooklyn, even) were close to 1,000 dollars...for one bedroom or just a studio apartment. That means two people living in one bedroom would each pay 500 a month PLUS utilities. PLUS food and travel expenses. Literally everyone has two or more jobs to foot the bills. I don't know how people stand it or when they have free time to enjoy living in New York. I mean, why live in a city like this if you can't even go out into it because you're working all the time?

I've also been looking into grad schools here. I know for a fact that I cannot afford grad school, let alone school here in New York, however I'd like to keep my options open.

Living here makes me even more uncertain about the future. In fact, it makes the future seem impossible, painful and no-good.

Perhaps New Zealand will be the perfect opportunity to turn this pessimism into something more productive.

Today's news: Stayed in bed all day watching movies and such, until John went to work at Bowery Poetry Club and I took the movies back to the Redbox at Walgreens in Times Square. Afterwards I wandered around Houston and Bowery until John was off of work and then we came home to Europan for pizza. He paid because he owed me. He also bought me canolli, which was underpar but beyond sweet in thought. I really like that kid.