postcards from italy

It has officially been one month since we've moved to New York and I must say, it certainly doesn't feel like it. Some days it's as if we've been here forever. For example, when you're riding on the subway in major traffic at 9:30 in the morning and all you want is to not be touching several people or overhearing very loud music through everyone's headphones at once. Although, some days it feels like we just got here. For example, when you're wandering around Bowery lost and alone in the cold, without anywhere to go or anyone to see. You could wander and wander forever. Right now, I have the feeling we just got here.

I've been looking into other internships - most at literary agencies. I've been hoping to change internships for awhile. When I moved here and began working at HERE, I realized that it's not what I'm cut out for. So I figured why not give literature a go. I've only emailed one place thus far because everywhere else is looking for summer interns, which I'm just not capable of doing. Reasons why I can't intern over the summer: 1. too poor, 2. going to New Zealand, therefore making me more poor, 3. very very poor. New York City is ridiculously expensive. And by that, I mean every object of food costs 3 dollars more than it should. Which adds up and pisses me off.

I also looked into apartments, and let me tell you, the experience was mindblowing. The majority of apartments (the cheap ones in Brooklyn, even) were close to 1,000 dollars...for one bedroom or just a studio apartment. That means two people living in one bedroom would each pay 500 a month PLUS utilities. PLUS food and travel expenses. Literally everyone has two or more jobs to foot the bills. I don't know how people stand it or when they have free time to enjoy living in New York. I mean, why live in a city like this if you can't even go out into it because you're working all the time?

I've also been looking into grad schools here. I know for a fact that I cannot afford grad school, let alone school here in New York, however I'd like to keep my options open.

Living here makes me even more uncertain about the future. In fact, it makes the future seem impossible, painful and no-good.

Perhaps New Zealand will be the perfect opportunity to turn this pessimism into something more productive.

Today's news: Stayed in bed all day watching movies and such, until John went to work at Bowery Poetry Club and I took the movies back to the Redbox at Walgreens in Times Square. Afterwards I wandered around Houston and Bowery until John was off of work and then we came home to Europan for pizza. He paid because he owed me. He also bought me canolli, which was underpar but beyond sweet in thought. I really like that kid.

unmarked location every night

I haven't been up to writing very much lately. It's as if the days are slipping by. I wake up early and then voila! It's 8 P.M. and I'm exhausted and ready to watch television and cuddle. It's almost as if I've been making excuses for so long that they've become real. I literally am too tired to write, or at least, too tired to think about what to write. I am usually very detailed in my entries, picking through the day to chose what was important and what wasn't. I need to get back into the swing of things.

Ultimately, I am hoping that as the weather changes, I will be more motivated. I don't remember the last time I sat in the sun or went for a walk that wasn't painful and stressful. I yearn to do that. To take a walk to Central Park with a blanket just to lie down, read and people watch.

Speaking of, we did some very intense people watching at the opera. We went to see Ariadne auf Noxos (I think that's how it's spelled) at Lincoln Center. If you've never seen the buildings you absolutely must. They are humongous theatres with perilously steep seating and grandiose chandeliers which probably cost more than my house in Baltimore. A piece. Parts of the opera were fantastic and parts of it were painfully boring. It is not what I would have chosen to see if I was handed a hundred and forty dollars and told to spend it on a ticket to the opera. However, I didn't get to chose therefore I had to suffer. My favorite part of the night was getting to wear my new dress, because after all, I am a woman living in Manhattan.

Today, we awoke early, went to Europan for breakfast, ate half there and half on the go. Took the 1 train and ran into Alan (our film professor and previous Coe student/New York Term kid himself). From there we went the rest of the way with him, transfering to the A to West 4 and popping up directly next to the IFC Center. We watched Shoot the Piano Player, directed by Francois Truffaut. I found it to be perfect for the snowy morning. Filmed in 1960 (which is now the correct date, thanks to John), black and white with crackly sound and English subtitles, the storyline was funny and heartbreaking all at once. I would very much like to go back next weekend to see the next film of the series which is also a Truffaut.

Tomorrow we are heading to the Ensemble Studio Theatre for the I Got Dumped! brunch, which is basically a food, open bar, and five short plays about being heartbroken, dumping, being dumped - all written, performed, directed etc. by EST's Youngblood playwright's. I'm not really sure what to expect. I am hoping that it's funny. I'm not in the mood to be disappointed by sadness. I also hope there are mimosas...

I'm thinking about little yellow canaries in golden cages and watching Dylan use the microwave, John work on a City Dionysus play, and Mitch do some journaling.

Also, I bought a guitar for myself online. I can't really afford it, but I've been wanting a new acoustic for awhile and found a cheap Jasmine online. Hopefully it'll come on Monday...all in one piece. I've started writing some music for FAWM, but I'm not sure I'll post any of it.

I wish I was at home, enjoying the snow and sun.

rain on the doorstep

Just got out of work and I'm utterly exhausted and beyond glad that I have the weekend free to spend time with Douglas, Jess and her fiance John. For now I will shower, get dolled up, head to the Urban Bush Woman and then out to some dance club for Kendra's 22nd birthday. Tomorrow, I hope to do laundry and then go see Miranda at HERE. Sunday will be a movie date in the morning and then picking up Douglas from the airport or train station. (I also have to catch up with my journals and my novel. Oh lordy.)

the thing that

There are many things in New York that I love.

They would be better though if I had someone here to truly enjoy them with. Don't get me wrong - there are wonderful people here with me. Luckily, I've only been annoyed once or twice thus far. However, there is no one here that I can truly get along with. Better yet, the people here are either aquaintanced friends that I don't want to spend all my time with or ones who can hurt me most. Sometimes I think I am expected to be with certain people. I suppose none of this really matters. I came here to get NY experience on my resume. I am here for myself. Not for anyone else.

Anyways, I can't believe we've only been here for a week. It feels like much, much, longer.

This morning I ate breakfast at New Wave and then head to 53rd between 5th and 6th to MoMA to check out the Bauhaus and Tim Burton exhibits. Bauhaus reminded me of Ikea while Tim Burton was just a large array of film memorabilia. I put my paycheck in the bank. I came home and changed, then head out for chinese food before going to the Bowery Poetry Club to hear a little bit of literature.

Here I am now, working on my novel, a short fiction piece, my blog, my twitter and my facebook. Keeping in touch with people is a lot easier when you aren't expected too.

Speaking of which, I need to put stamps for my letters...

Work at HERE in the morning. Too bad the room is almost unbearable with heat.

Good news? Douglas gets into NYC on Sunday! Which is in TWO DAYS!